Take Charge! - Smart Choices for Your Cox Digital Home

by Shira L. Miller

Understanding where your child is developmentally gives you a better context for effective communication. Elementary school children deal with issues such as feeling accepted, building friendships and peer insensitivity. Adolescents are experiencing very different changes – physically, emotionally and mentally – with the onset of puberty. Older teens tend to be more interested in controversial topics like sex and drugs. Despite differences in these age groups, though, some needs are universal.

“All kids have certain needs like unconditional love and acceptance from parents,” explains Bill Rosenbaum, PhD, LMFT, LPC. “They want encouragement, support and attention from their parents.”

Learn to Listen

Most parents don’t want their kids to make mistakes. But dealing with negative consequences is how children learn right from wrong. When adults pound the advice too harshly, kids can see them as lecturing and tune them out. The key to communicating with children often starts with one simple word – listen.

“Listening is the most important piece in communicating with a teen,” says Rosenbaum. “The temptation for parents to dominate a conversation is great. But they need to contain their thoughts and feelings and spend more time listening to what kids have to say. Children and adolescents are ‘trying on grown-up clothes’ and they want feedback.”

Reflection goes hand-in-hand with listening. Let your child know they’ve been heard by reflecting back on their comments and cautiously giving feedback.

Use Conversation Starters

Asking open-ended questions can be a great way to start a dialogue with your kids. Questions such as “What was your day like?” or “What’s on your mind?” provoke better give and take than yes or no statements.

Experiencing media together also helps start conversations about appropriate TV and Internet usage. Watch a sitcom or the nightly news with your family and discuss what you’re seeing on the screen. Ask kids to share their thoughts about the dilemmas, relationships and situations being observed.

Midge Pierce, the Vice President of Programming for WAM!, the first and only 24-hour commercial-free TV channel dedicated entirely to providing kid-friendly, socially responsible entertainment to tweens and teens, advises parents to practice critical viewing to promote media literacy with their kids.

Reality vs. Fiction

“If we’re going to have a functional society, kids need to understand what they are watching as much as what they are reading,” she notes. “Parents have to help them figure out their point of view and learn to distinguish between reality and fiction.”

Even if you didn’t experience something controversial together – such as the 2004 Super Bowl half-time show – don’t be afraid to bring it up the next day. Ask kids directly what they thought about the incident and how it made them feel.

Promote Family Communication

Family meals are an excellent time to come together and communicate in a positive manner. Make this enjoyable for your kids by talking about topics of interest to them and the family overall. Focus on their accomplishments and avoid talking about what your kids did wrong. You can schedule family meetings separate from meals to discuss problems in the home.

“Meal time is important for family communication,” says Fern Halford, LCSW. “In fact, having sit-down, regular mealtimes is a primary factor in ensuring that our kids turn out okay.”

Resources are available to help make family meal discussions as productive as possible. The unique reality series Table Talk: Real Families Face Real Issues, broadcast on WAM!, underscores the importance of utilizing the family dinner as an opportunity to confront and work out contemporary issues between parents and adolescents. Dialogues address topics of importance to both kids and parents, including curfews, favoritism, respect, dating, safety and the media.

Discuss Mass Media Guidelines

Experts agree that your kids should be involved in setting TV and Internet usage parameters.

“There are lots of good choices with TV and the Internet,” says Thompson, who is also the mother of five and grandmother of four. “Involve your children up front when it comes to setting guidelines.”

Staying knowledgeable about mass media options helps build a productive dialogue with kids. Become aware of new offerings. Ask your child what’s new and cool and explore it further on your own.

Make Time to Talk

Communication with your kids doesn’t have to take place solely around the dinner table or in front of the TV screen. You can create situations that promote a productive discussion; for example, in the car, try turning off the radio and using the trip to talk and listen to what your children have to say. Don’t be afraid to tag along when your teen wants to go to the store to buy a CD; such instances provide plenty of opportunities for casual and informal discussion.

With all of the tips and advice available, don’t lose sight of the most important element in communicating with your kids – make time for it. Spend one-on-one time with your children as much as possible, especially if you’ve been focusing more attention recently on a sibling. Despite the busy pace of our lives, keep communication a top priority.

“We as adults will make time to meet a friend for coffee and talk,” adds Rosenbaum. “Create the same kind of opportunities with your kids.”